♡ RUNAWAY - THE YEAH YEAH YEAHS
♡ YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL - LANA DEL RAY
♡ BACK TO BLACK - AMY WINEHOUSE
♡ SHE'S SO HEAVY - THE BEATLES
♡ $100 BILLS - JAY Z
♡ EXPLOSIONS - ELLIE GOULDING
♡ READ ALL ABOUT IT - EMILE SANDE
♡ WAYFARING STRANGER - ED SHEERAN
http://8tracks.com/lacking-in-lilu/you-ve-got-a-heart-as-loud-as-lions-so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed
Finally, a new mmn story
I feel like everyone's asleep or something
I went and saw The Great Gatsby this week...it was fantastic
the directing was phenomenal (if you like Moulin rouge, you're good)
AND LEO AND CAREY AND TOBY
OH MY GOD
MY BBYS -
SO GOOD
Leo played Gatsby so well,
really they all did
they need awards for it man
So this is a mulit-collab with @lalasparkles, @little-red, and even @vampire-weakend a little because of your latest story
I really hope you @lalasparkles like it,
and I hope I interpreted everything right
I didn't get to write Matt's part,
but only because I'm saving it for a special occasion (;
And @little-red Effie was so hard to write for in this
Fingers crossed you don't hate it!
♡ Ashley Hartman ♡
MMN
5/2/13;
I woke up to the sun in my eyes.
I blinked – it blinded.
Someone was talking in the kitchen,
Roman, maybe. I groaned.
“Is sleeping beauty awake?”
For a second I stared at the high ceilings above, not knowing where I was.
A hazy dream played dangerously –
full of smoke and booze and laughter
and touches and kisses and sex
with someone I didn’t know.
Or worse – with someone I did know.
My heart pounded in my chest.
I started to move my legs -
which were plastered against sweaty thighs.
I jumped and moved too fast,
making something in my stomach protest.
“Ash?”
I rubbed my eyes. Effie and Matt were staring,
their cheeks pink and hair stuck to the back of their necks.
“Ash?” Matt asked again, squinting.
They were beneath my sideways body,
sitting upwards on a couch that was big enough to hold us all;
my couch. My house. My Hamptons home.
I looked out at the glass doors that led to a porch,
and then to a beach full of vacationing New Yorkers.
They were open, letting a refreshing breeze
of salt air wash over my hot skin.
I pushed my hair back and let out the breath I’d been holding.
“I’m..I’m fine. Sorry,” I wiped a sweat bead off.
Effie looked worried. She touched my ankle gently.
“We fell asleep last night like this,”
“After a little too much fun –”
Matt added, laughing. He stretched and yawned,
then patted my legs to signal that he needed to get up.
I pulled them to my chest.
There was a messy stack of cards laid out on the coffee table.
Effie caught me staring. “You ok?”
I swallowed – my throat was dry.
“Yeah, I just need something to drink -
and maybe some advil,”
She smiled in a comforting way and told me she’d take care of that. I watched the tiny blonde stalk off. She was wearing Oliver’s pajama pants.
I sat up. My heart was still racing.
I woke up without knowing where I was;
without knowing who I was with,
without recognizing my own house -
where we’d been for the past two days.
I’d gone over my limit. Far over.
And just with friends, not strangers –
no outrageous partying or clubs.
I was out of line,
so far off balance I couldn’t find myself.
Who was I? Who was this person?
Why couldn’t I stop her?
The floor was littered with her evidence,
empty bottles of her favorite in a pile by the couch.
I tried to clean them up,
but instead I only started to cry
and excused myself to take a bath.
My skin was red beneath the hot water,
where a razor with a too sharp blade sparkled
on the other side of the tub, close enough to reach.
It was there that I began to realize I was unhappy –
far more unhappy that I’d ever thought.
I got out a few minutes later,
dripping from my hair
and slipping on the tile.
I couldn't remember much after that
and I knew thinking about it too much would be like
hanging myself on the shower rod. Wouldn't want that.
Downstairs someone was laughing
and I could smell pancakes and bacon.
I dressed in a striped
and shorts that belonged to Effie
but fit me just fine.
“You coming down, Ash?” It was Roman.
I blinked at the mirror once more
before grabbing a sweater that covered my arms.
The kitchen was covered in smog,
a mixture of breakfast smells
and Matt’s cigarette – I told him to put it out.
“But you have a fan,” He gestured to the mechanical
thing over the stove. I clicked it on,
listening to the low hum that echoed
behind the sound of Roman and Effie talking.
“You want a pancake, Ash?” Effie asked,
handing me a plate with syrup
and blueberries on a battery circle.
“Thanks,” I smiled, even though my stomach was churching inside.
I sat at the bar and tried to eat for her sake -
and for Matt and Roman’s, who were staring.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Matt finally spoke, shrugging. He smiled lazy. “It’s just…well..you went hard last night, Ash.”
I giggled, wiping away the blueberry from my lip.
Effie was trying to look amused.
“Guess I’ve just been stressed lately,”
I thought about all the rehearsals I had coming up,
and the lines I needed to memorize –
and the way Effie never seemed to look at me straight any more,
and now she was hanging out with Elena.
This was the first time we’d spent any real time together since January.
Even now, she seemed distant.
Always on the phone,
always leaving early.
I found myself shrugging like Matt –
easy and comfortably. “A couple of hard nights won’t hurt me,”
I repeated that in my head.
It was fine, I was fine. I was fine.
“Plus we have our joint-late-birthday party tomorrow!”
I nudged Effie. “I can’t quit now,”
The last pancake on the stove was burning.
“Right,” Roman said,
but it was forced.
He frowned.
I touched my sweater and decided to smile,
letting go of whatever remorse I had.
I’d continue down the road I was on -
I was fine, I was fine –
I’d smile and I’d drink and I’d work off stress.
I was just working off stress.
I’d succumb.
“I’m fine,” I laughed. My head felt lighter. “I’m fine.”
“These?”
“No, no – these,”
I pointed to a fresh bouquet of flowers.
They were at the top of the cart,
twinkling and colorful in the sunlight.
It was too high for me to reach.
The man running it nodded in approval. “Oui, good choice,” He had an accent.
Matt grabbed them from the rack and paid.
We waited while the man wrapped them in brown paper.
I took a deep breath. “These will look perfect on the table,”
“You realized they’ll probably get trashed in the process, right?”
I frowned. A petal flew off with the wind.
“At least they’ll be pretty while they last,”
Matt shook his head and handed me the bouquet,
wrapped and tied in a string. “So basically they’re virgin flowers,”
I groaned and pushed him off the sidewalk,
nearly into a man riding his bike. He shot Matt the middle finger
and I laughed until my stomach hurt.
“What else is on your party list?”
Matt asked as he sped-walk back to me.
He peeked over my shoulder at the book in my hands.
“Well you took care of the..special things, right?”
I bit my lip, feeling heat in my cheeks.
Matt grinned. “You mean…the /contraband/?” He whispered.
I laughed. “And Effie’s picking up the booze I ordered – your favorites included,”
“You know just what I like,”
“-Roman’s making a playlist, the cooks are making food,
the maid’s cleaning up our mess from last night-..”
I shot him a glare. He pointed a finger at my chest.
“Don’t even begin to blame me.”
I giggled. “Fine. I think…I think we’re done now, then.”
I put the notebook back in my bag.
Matt was going on about how old I was now,
his hand on my back and laughing
and I was zoning out as we passed an old school movie theatre.
It was months behind and showed only matinees.
The words on the white sign were worn and black,
and the title of the top spelled out, “The Titanic: 3-D”.
A group of girls were paying for their tickets.
“You wanna see a movie?”
“What?” Matt stopped mid-sentence, pausing to look at the theatre. “Like what?”
“Like..the Titanic.”
He frowned.
“I hate that movie.”
“C’mon,” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the booth.
We bought two tickets and a popcorn,
and sat in newly refurbished velvet seats.
The audience was nearly empty besides us and the girls,
and an older couple dressed in expensive polo clothing.
They held hands in front of us, and the woman bickered
while the man retorted back every few minutes.
As the previews ended, the man chuckled
and he kissed his wife several times –
everywhere on her wrinkled face.
She looked away with a smile.
“Are you okay?” Matt whispered.
His eyes were gentle and worried.
“Are you..crying?”
I shook my head and swallowed a lump in my throat.
“No, no – I just..I’ve already seen the end,” I lied.
I’d never finished the Titanic.
Matt nodded like he believed me.
A few minutes later he raised the armrest between us,
and pulled me into his side, where it was warm
and smelled like home.
But I was thinking of a stage,
and arms that felt like another home
with lines long rehearsed and over said.
A back against a wall; a pair of hands on my waist;
a breath beside his ear.
I don’t know why I missed him.
I missed a lot.
We got out late,
and it was dark and raining.
Matt held the umbrella while
I called a cab.
He fell asleep in the backseat half way home.
I fidgeted, watching the rain on the windows,
and then unlocking and locking my phone;
I grazed through my contacts –
his name was first in Alphabetical order.
I asked him to come tomorrow.
I told him I wanted him there.
There was silence for the rest of the ride,
until I paid the driver and Matt lumbered inside,
both of us dripping because he’d been too
tired to hold the umbrella correctly.
My phone binged when we stepped inside.
“Who’s that?” Matt asked.
It was a simple, /I’ll be there/ -
and yet it made me a little warmer.
“No one,” I told him.
/:-) /
5/3/13;
“Happy birthday to me!”
Effie slung her skinny arm around my neck.
We stepped back to examine our work.
My beach house had become a party hub.
The back doors were open and swayed with the wind,
leading to the beach. Music was blasting from
every corner, and the bar was full of drinks
that Nate was suppose to be taking care of.
Mercedes, a woman with incredible culinary talent,
smiled proudly as she came from the kitchen.
“Have fun tonight girls,” She kissed our cheeks. “Enjoy,”
She left with most of the staff who’d helped organize.
“Look at my contribution,” Effie pointed to a banner hanging over the doorway.
I recognized it from New Year’s.
It said ‘Fu.ck you’ in bold. I giggled.
“Lovely!”
Matt and Roman walked down the stairs,
looking more attractive than I remembered.
“All set,” Roman winked. He kissed my cheek
and grabbed a drink from the bar.
“Lookin’ good girls,”
Effie smirked. She thought Roman was jump-worthy,
but wouldn’t admit it out loud, I knew.
I smiled.
The dress I wore was black and long.
It made me feel good; ready.
Someone knocked on the door.
“I got it,” Effie shot up.
Matt’s grin was wild.
“Fingers crossed we all get laid tonight.”
A few hours later and the house was shaking.
And it was full and I was sipping on something
that Nate made – it was colorful and cold.
Effie was dancing with a group,
and Roman and Matt were both lighting up.
I was circling the room when I saw her in a cloud of smoke.
She was by the bar.
“Cams?”
Her eyes were full. Deep, dripping holes,
staring out at me like stone.
We’d gotten into a fight –
it’d been in public over chardonnay,
full of “You’re such a hyprocrite!”’s
and “How dare you?”’s.
I felt like we – I –
was in remission;
being sucked back into a body
that I didn’t own anymore.
One that broke Alex Rivera’s heart without a blink,
one who paraded around town with an imaginary boy.
Who competed against her best friends.
Although Cam was also being Alex’s fu.cking shadow,
so that kind of pis.sed me off.
‘You’re still wrong’, I told myself,
knowing I was the one who was really at fault.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you,” She said, finally,
breathing out a wave of smoke.
“Seriously, Ash – what /is/ this?”
She gestured to me. “You didn’t even break up with him,
you just…faded away.”
“I know but-”
“And then we find you on the cover of a tabloid holding hands with some Broadway bi.tch,”
She was stern and final.
I looked away.
“I don’t even know this person.”
I felt a pang in my chest
and I knew she was right.
I didn’t know this person.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered.
All it took was to be a few inches away from Cam
and I suddenly realized all my problems –
she was good at that.
“I don’t think I’m the one you should be saying sorry to –
you have a bit of a list,”
Cameron’s gaze flashed to something behind me.
He was wearing a black shirt and pants,
his hair up and face unshaven.
He looked tired. He looked lost.
The great Aidan Riley – lost.
I swallowed hard and turned back,
but she was already floating away –
she was always floating away from me.
He was standing on the other side of the room,
pretending to be interested in some pictures.
“Hey,” I yelled over the music.
My head was spinning.
My heart was…pounding?
Aidan leaned over, closer to my ear so I could hear. “Hey,” He grinned.
“You came.”
"You said you wanted me to."
"I know," I laughed. "I did. I mean, I do."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
He looked surprised, brushing his hair back nervously.
"Why?"
For some reason his question had me dumbfounded.
I blinked, unable to find an answer.
"Why is that so hard for you to believe?"
"Seriously, Ash?"
His eyes were too dark and too much to handle;
I looked away.
"I just -"
Suddenly there was a cold hand on my arm,
and one of the chefs was pulling me away,
muttering something about a boy on the kitchen table.
"I'll be right back," I promised. "Stay right here?"
Aidan sighed, but he nodded.
“Yeah, sure.”
He was throwing up.
Maurice cleaned it up,
and Roman and I moved him
to the outside.
“Watch the bushes, alright?” I frowned.
I was walking back into the kitchen when I heard it.
The ding of cell phones simultaneously;
the gasps and the giggles. My own beeped.
Roman was looking in the empty fridge. “Do we have any more beer?”
“Nate has plenty,” I leaned against the counter.
Roman left to get the pack,
and I opened the blast from Gossip Girl out of curiosity.
My stomach dropped as I read the words,
written in bold and sloppy handwriting.
The last ones stuck like glue;
Everyday.
I held my mouth in my hands.
“Why the he.ll is everyone being weird?”
Roman was standing in the doorway.
I pushed past him,
the words echoing and heavy
and my heart pounding
to the rhythm.
Aidan’s back was to the door. He was walking out.
There were stares and whispers,
but it was her eyes that I met first.
Big, brown, furious –
She blamed me and I knew it.
Her red lips were ready for the attack,
but I reached out for her tiny wrist as desperation poured out.
“Oh Cam, please, don’t, you don’t understand-,”
She blinked, her anger turning into surprise and confusion.
I started to cry. “I know I’ve done bad things,
I know, I know – and I’m so sorry,
but I think I understand, I just – please, understand,”
I didn’t care that everyone was watching.
A small crowd had started making their way towards the back doors.
“Ash?” She broke face,
moving closer.
“What is-..”
“It’s him. I see how fu.cked up I’ve been now,
and it’s Aidan – he makes it go away.”
She shook her head. “No. Stop right there. He’ s not one of your playthings, Ash.”
“I know that!”
I yelled at her,
suddenly burning up and bleeding tears.
“I can’t..I can’t explain to you,
because you won’t listen,”
My voice cracked.
“But he’s…he’s like home to me.”
She wasn’t believing it,
and again the smoke cloud
smothered her pretty face.
So I let go, drawing into myself
and rubbing the place on my wrist as I ran to the doors.
And then Summer was there beside me,
her instinct being to run, too.
I looked at her. She stared back.
But neither of us got to say a word before the yelling started.
Her eyebrows wrinkled,
and together we sprinted to the porch.
They were on the beach – Matt and Aidan –
and Aidan’s fist was landing on Matt’s nose.
“Oh my God!” Summer was yelling,
and I was shouting,
the two of us jumping over steps
and running through sand
to pull them apart.
“What are you doing!”
“Matt, Aidan, stop!”
A crowd of people followed us,
swallowing the empty space in a few seconds.
“Stop!” I screamed.
Aidan’s head snapped up to look at me.
His eyes were dark, face bleeding.
Rush grabbed his arms and Chrissy
ran to help, holding him back.
Matt was being pulled away from Nate.
"Touch her and I'll -"
"You'll what?" Aidan yelled, his gaze now back and burning into Matt.
"I'll give you another black eye, you a.sshole!"
"F.uck you!"
I watched them go separate ways,
and the crowd dissipate, and
the adrenaline drain.
And yet I felt stuck,
frozen to the spot on the beach
where the sand sunk through my heels
and the salt air burned my eyes.
Confused, lost, angry, sad, alone.
I wiped them away.
I waited to knock on the bathroom door,
my hand shaking as it hit against the wood.
I took a breath and opened it anyway,
afraid that if I didn’t I might run.
Chrissy and Aidan were both on the edge of the tub.
“Hey,” I mumbled awkwardly.
Chrissy smiled, unaffected;
she looked as good as always. “Hey,”
Aidan didn’t look up.
“I, um..I brought ice,”
I held out the bowl Maurine had handed me,
the edges dripping in condensation.
Chris was already standing up. “Oh good!
You two should probably...and I'll just...yeah..."
She looked at me gently
as if she was reading my mind.
The door closed with a click, leaving the bathroom quiet.
There he sat, bleeding and red,
and I was weak and silent.
"I don't want your help," He muttered.
He wrapped a towel around his hands
and leaned against his knees.
There was a part of me that wanted to smile. He was so stubborn.
"Well," I took the towel from him,
ignoring the way my heart started pounding.
"Your eye is swelling and you're bleeding,
so you kind of need it." He rolled his eyes as I put in ice,
then pressed it gently across his face. “Hold this,”
I took another clean towel from the cabinet above the sink
and wet it. There was a bead of red on his lower lip.
I wiped it away, gently. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.
I put a hand against his neck to balance.
His dark hair tickled, and skin hot.
I found myself running my fingers over the place there absentmindedly, lost in the work of cleaning his wounds.
He pulled away. “Just stop it, Ash.”
I winced, feeling rejected.
“You stop it.”
“No, you stop it.”
"God, you're such a baby," I groaned. "Just...let me do this. Okay?"
Aidan sighed. “Fine.”
I moved closer, dowsing cotton balls in alcohol
and using them to disinfect the places that would be blue tomorrow morning.
His knees were warm against my bear legs,
making my cheeks pink and hands shake.
We were only a few inches away.
I put a band-aid on a spot below his chin.
He reached out and grabbed my waist for balance –
it was gentle, but I jumped. He didn’t notice.
Every so often he would look up,
and his dark eyes would shock me back into place
like a gun to the chest. I wondered when I got so
vulnerable to them, and how had I not noticed?
I blinked.
How had I not noticed?
There was a moment when they met mine and stayed.
The seconds passed and the cut above his brow started to bleed again.
I used my thumb, smearing the red.
His mouth was there, open, and his fingers in my skin, soft.
I wondered what it’d be like to kiss him.
But I needed to know what I wanted from him first -
he wasn’t everybody else. I had to be careful.
I’d kept Aidan away from the line of fire for so long, even in the midst of peace I was anxious to keep him protected.
So I drew back instead,
hoping to catch my breath.
"I'm no doctor, but I think you'll live." I smiled a little.
He rubbed his jaw. It was bruised.
"Good news, I guess.”
A few beats passed until I was able to collect my thoughts correctly.
"Aidan?"
He looked up, warily. "Yeah?"
The words felt heavy on my tongue –
everything that needed to be breathed;
What I liked so much about him, but never dared to say;
The way his eyes crinkled when he laughed too hard,
his intensity when he was talking about something he loved,
his gentleness and compassion, his humor. His
annoying stubbornness that made me want to punch
that smirk right off his face.
How much I loved his note.
How much I felt for him.
How much I wanted to give us a chance.
I had to start small.
"About the letter...” But he was already shaking his head,
removing my hand from his cheek. He didn’t look at me again.
"No, I don't want to talk about it."
"It was my letter, you wrote it to me."
"You were never supposed to see that."
I winced again, even though I didn’t know why it hurt exactly.
"But, I did,” I murmured. “And I..I think I deserve the chance to talk about it."
Aidan pressed his teeth together.
"Well, I don't want to, Ash."
There it was again. I let out a breath,
feeling the heat rushing to my cheeks.
I bit the inside of my mouth until I tasted blood.
"Did you even mean it?" I asked harshly.
Aidan blinked. "Of course, I - I mean, yeah, but it –” He stammered, pulling his hands from my waist to intertwine them with his hair. The space there was now cold. “Look, it doesn’t matter.”
"It matters to me," I was frozen in place,
stuck in a foreign land where I couldn’t get a footing.
I tried again, breathing deeply.
I just wanted him to know, I had to tell him –
"And I just think that we should talk. I need to tell you..."
My hand was reaching for his face –
He stood up fast and I fell back against the sink,
trapped between his arms.
The back of my dress was open and my skin was cold.
“You can’t keep doing this.” His voice was flat.
I frowned.
“Doing what?”
His broken face was close.
"Making a me look like a f.ucking idiot.”
"What are you -?"
"I think about you all the time," He cut me off, full of rage. "All the time! I want to see you, and you go out of your way to avoid me. I kiss you, and you don't even care,” I felt the water well up in my eyes, thickening my throat as I tried to stop him. But he pushed my hand off his chest, racing. “I write that stupid letter. I get punched in the face by my best friend -"
"Aidan, just -" I tried, but it was cracked
and stuck somewhere low,
as his booming voice ran straight over my words.
"We've gone weeks without talking, Ashley. Weeks!” He came closer, and I flinched. Not out of fear, but actual pain. I needed him to stop, and yet he kept going. “But I still come running whenever you call me. I mean, I do all this shi.t for you and it's just not good enough, is it? You. Don't. Care.”
He laughed bitterly.
“And you're never going to want me like I want you."
I was trembling, fingers gripping the porcelain behind me.
I did care, I did. I wanted him just as much, maybe more,
it’d just taken so long for the smoke to clear to see it.
"I really wish that you would shut up and listen to me-.”
He was already running over my words,
shut down and burning and yelling;
"No, you know what I wish now?"
He leaned closer, black holes staring straight through me. "I wish we could go back to the way things were. When you hated me and I hated you. Because 'this'?” He gestured between us. “I can't do it anymore."
What I’d almost let out suddenly tasted bitter on my tongue,
and there was a terrible aching in my chest –
where everything was empty, and angry and gone.
I took it all back silently. It hurt –
knowing he hated me.
"Is that really what you want?" I asked, treading dangerously loud.
His gaze was made of stone. "Yeah, it is."
I felt my head buzz with humiliation, pain,
it was dizzying. It boiled over and came out in anger.
"You know what?" I pushed his chest hard,
harder than I ever thought I could. He stumbled back.
"Fine! I hate you, Aidan.”
Even as I said them, I knew the words weren’t true.
But I wanted them so badly to be.
He barely reacted to the venom behind it.
“Are you happy now?" I yelled.
"Yeah, I am," He moved closer,
radiating heat onto me. “Because you know what?"
"What?"
"I hate you, too."
It took everything I had not to cry,
to show what was going on behind my mask.
But I copied the face
everyone around here wore.
“Great!” I lied.
A performance long mastered,
a scene so easily changed.
"Yeah, it is great."
He stared at me, eyes bloodshot and fists tightened.
I crossed my arms and glanced away.
"Well, then, we're done here." I muttered, coolly. “You can leave now."
He scoffed and grabbed his jacket,
hand yanking the door open.
"Gladly, Hartman."
He slammed it, and I reached for the glass bowl on the tub.
It was shining so innocently.
I grabbed it and threw it against the other wall.
It broken into a thousand pieces;
ice flying everywhere.
“Fu.ck!” I shouted out,
over and over and over again,
until I was sliding down the wall.
I landed in a pile of tears and glass and melted ice.
The world was so loud around me,
and yet all I could hear was him –
and the words I almost said.
It could’ve gone so differently.
“Why didn’t I say anything?” I cried, slamming my palm down against a piece of the broken bowl.
I didn’t feel it, but somehow it seemed to help in the tiniest way.
I stared at the blood running down of the shallow cut.
No one ever sees the worst things coming.
There were plenty of fists against the door,
but I never answered them.
At least an hour passed –
it felt like forever –
before I finally left.
The party was nearly over.
There were only the essentials around,
floating like stars in the sky.
I looked for Effie, but she wasn’t with everyone else.
The bar was still open, and Nate was leaning behind it.
His cheek was scratched. “Collateral damage,” He told me with a smile.
I asked him to make something that caused black outs.
He laughed. I smirked a little, but that faded quickly.
I watched him pick up bottle after bottle,
then slide it across the counter with a worried expression.
His hand kept it in place when I reached.
“You okay?”
“What do you mean?”
It was easier to play dumb when nothing mattered.
“Look, I know you’ve been through some rough stuff lately-”
I shook off his sympathy, feeling like that was the last thing I deserved.
I’d caused the roughness for everyone else,
there was nothing wrong with my life besides my own head.
So why was I so dissatisfied here?
“I’ll be fine once I finish this off,”
I played a grin that rivaled the Queen of Hearts,
and Nate drew back as expected.
And I finished my several other drinks as expected, too.
I started wandering through rooms here and there –
I was lost and bleeding.
I was on the third floor when I found them talking.
At first I could only hear their voices,
mumbling in their quiet intensity.
And then I turned the knob,
and there they were in a flashback.
His hand was under her chin, both of them on their knees in whispers.
They were consumed by each other –
like they always were –
but the noise made Harry blink up.
“Ashley-
“So this is why my best friend is never around anymore!”
I giggled and hiccupped, full of booze that made talk slip.
Effie turned, her mouth open
and eyes red. She’d been crying.
“What is it? Is something wrong, again?
Are you too perfect to be together?”
I was laughing. She started to cry again.
Harry stood up and started toward me.
I remembered I had a beer in my hand.
Where had that come from?
“It makes sense, ya’know,” I hiccupped again.
“I thought something was really wrong, but –
nah, just handsome over here, pulling curly tricks again,”
I raised the bottle to him with a wink.
“Watch out for her, blondes have their tricks, too!”
He sighed. “Ashley, it’s not what you think-”
“It’s not?” I smiled bitterly. “So it’s not the explanation to why Effie has to leave early from every shopping trip? It’s not why she’s been canceling our plans an hour beforehand? Why she goes days with her phone off?”
I’d steadily gotten louder and even more unsteady.
“She can’t be here for me because you two are too busy fu.cking,”
Harry reached my hand but I ripped it away from him.
“You see Eff? He’s just like his best friend –,” I stared at him. “A cheat who can’t keep his hands to himself.”
“Ash!” Her hands flew to her mouth,
and Harry’s eyes flashed.
I threw my bottle to the ground and walked away,
ignoring her voice shouting my name.
I was turning the corner when he grabbed my wrist.
I fell back with surprising force, landing against the wall harshly.
Harry hand each arm pressed down,
and even as I squirmed I knew I wouldn’t win.
“I get it, Ashley! You’re brokenhearted,
you got hurt, you got something stolen from you –
but ya’don’t have any right to act the way you have been,”
I blinked, looking anywhere but straight at him.
“Can you not see that we’re all going through the same fu.cking shi.t, eh?”
Harry’s voice was soft – a whisper.
He gripped my chin,
forcing me to meet his stare.
His usual brown eyes were black and dripping.
I flinched.
“The fame, the pressure, the pain –,” He swallowed hard.
“I get it. I do. But you have ta’ figure out how ta’ deal with it better.
You can’t be this person – it’ll consume you,”
He never touched me with more force than the wind,
and yet I felt like he’d slapped me straight across the face.
I blinked, terrified of everything –
not understanding anything.
I collapsed into Harry’s shoulder and cried.
After a few minutes of silence,
Harry told me why he was with Effie.
“Her mum’s got Alzheimer’s, Ash,” He murmured.
I pulled away, trembling. “What?”
“Effie’s mum..she’s sick. She didn’t want to tell you because she knew you’d worry, and she wasn’t sure how much you could take under all the bullshi.t lately,”
I wiped my face until it burned.
“How..how’d you know?”
“I had to drag it out,” He half smiled, but it was sad,
and we were crying together. “She needs us. Both of us.”
I stared at the boy with curly hair, seeing her love in his face.
“Okay,” I finally said, swallowing the bad taste in my mouth. “Okay.”
We walked back to the room together,
the hallway longer than I remembered.
I realized I suddenly felt more sober than I had in half a year.
She was sitting on the bed, her skinny shoulder blades
showing beneath the skintight dress she wore.
She was dripping, spilling everywhere.
I wrapped my arms around her, pulling tight when she jumped against the touch.
“Ash?” She mumbled. Her bottom lip trembled.
I nodded, wiping a tear from her cheek.
“Hey sweetie. It’s gonna be alright, okay?”
Her pretty face crumbled,
breaking into my neck as she fell against me.
Harry sat beside her and wrapped
himself around her body.
Together we held a secret,
a girl who’d been overlooked for too long.
Selfishness is a monster.
It preys on human flesh,
devours us whole –
we find ourselves in the smoke of discontent.
It is a vampire in the night.
It sucks it’s victim’s dry,
it kills – it drains.
It takes love. It takes pain.
It takes everything,
but leaves nothing -
just a few bones
and a terrible regret.
We wonder what might’ve been if they’d read our minds,
we wonder what might’ve happened,
if they’d only known the words on our tongues –
and yet we are too selfish to ask them ourselves.
And so we are stuck,
wandering.
- xx, Ash.
FINALLY, ENOUGH OF ANNOYING ASH
I'm so ready for her to be over this phase,
it was fun while it lasted
but now she's just being a bi.tch
I think I have a new ship to sail though...@lalasparkles Aidan is in trouble
♡ YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL - LANA DEL RAY
♡ BACK TO BLACK - AMY WINEHOUSE
♡ SHE'S SO HEAVY - THE BEATLES
♡ $100 BILLS - JAY Z
♡ EXPLOSIONS - ELLIE GOULDING
♡ READ ALL ABOUT IT - EMILE SANDE
♡ WAYFARING STRANGER - ED SHEERAN
http://8tracks.com/lacking-in-lilu/you-ve-got-a-heart-as-loud-as-lions-so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed
Finally, a new mmn story
I feel like everyone's asleep or something
I went and saw The Great Gatsby this week...it was fantastic
the directing was phenomenal (if you like Moulin rouge, you're good)
AND LEO AND CAREY AND TOBY
OH MY GOD
MY BBYS -
SO GOOD
Leo played Gatsby so well,
really they all did
they need awards for it man
So this is a mulit-collab with @lalasparkles, @little-red, and even @vampire-weakend a little because of your latest story
I really hope you @lalasparkles like it,
and I hope I interpreted everything right
I didn't get to write Matt's part,
but only because I'm saving it for a special occasion (;
And @little-red Effie was so hard to write for in this
Fingers crossed you don't hate it!
♡ Ashley Hartman ♡
MMN
5/2/13;
I woke up to the sun in my eyes.
I blinked – it blinded.
Someone was talking in the kitchen,
Roman, maybe. I groaned.
“Is sleeping beauty awake?”
For a second I stared at the high ceilings above, not knowing where I was.
A hazy dream played dangerously –
full of smoke and booze and laughter
and touches and kisses and sex
with someone I didn’t know.
Or worse – with someone I did know.
My heart pounded in my chest.
I started to move my legs -
which were plastered against sweaty thighs.
I jumped and moved too fast,
making something in my stomach protest.
“Ash?”
I rubbed my eyes. Effie and Matt were staring,
their cheeks pink and hair stuck to the back of their necks.
“Ash?” Matt asked again, squinting.
They were beneath my sideways body,
sitting upwards on a couch that was big enough to hold us all;
my couch. My house. My Hamptons home.
I looked out at the glass doors that led to a porch,
and then to a beach full of vacationing New Yorkers.
They were open, letting a refreshing breeze
of salt air wash over my hot skin.
I pushed my hair back and let out the breath I’d been holding.
“I’m..I’m fine. Sorry,” I wiped a sweat bead off.
Effie looked worried. She touched my ankle gently.
“We fell asleep last night like this,”
“After a little too much fun –”
Matt added, laughing. He stretched and yawned,
then patted my legs to signal that he needed to get up.
I pulled them to my chest.
There was a messy stack of cards laid out on the coffee table.
Effie caught me staring. “You ok?”
I swallowed – my throat was dry.
“Yeah, I just need something to drink -
and maybe some advil,”
She smiled in a comforting way and told me she’d take care of that. I watched the tiny blonde stalk off. She was wearing Oliver’s pajama pants.
I sat up. My heart was still racing.
I woke up without knowing where I was;
without knowing who I was with,
without recognizing my own house -
where we’d been for the past two days.
I’d gone over my limit. Far over.
And just with friends, not strangers –
no outrageous partying or clubs.
I was out of line,
so far off balance I couldn’t find myself.
Who was I? Who was this person?
Why couldn’t I stop her?
The floor was littered with her evidence,
empty bottles of her favorite in a pile by the couch.
I tried to clean them up,
but instead I only started to cry
and excused myself to take a bath.
My skin was red beneath the hot water,
where a razor with a too sharp blade sparkled
on the other side of the tub, close enough to reach.
It was there that I began to realize I was unhappy –
far more unhappy that I’d ever thought.
I got out a few minutes later,
dripping from my hair
and slipping on the tile.
I couldn't remember much after that
and I knew thinking about it too much would be like
hanging myself on the shower rod. Wouldn't want that.
Downstairs someone was laughing
and I could smell pancakes and bacon.
I dressed in a striped
and shorts that belonged to Effie
but fit me just fine.
“You coming down, Ash?” It was Roman.
I blinked at the mirror once more
before grabbing a sweater that covered my arms.
The kitchen was covered in smog,
a mixture of breakfast smells
and Matt’s cigarette – I told him to put it out.
“But you have a fan,” He gestured to the mechanical
thing over the stove. I clicked it on,
listening to the low hum that echoed
behind the sound of Roman and Effie talking.
“You want a pancake, Ash?” Effie asked,
handing me a plate with syrup
and blueberries on a battery circle.
“Thanks,” I smiled, even though my stomach was churching inside.
I sat at the bar and tried to eat for her sake -
and for Matt and Roman’s, who were staring.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Matt finally spoke, shrugging. He smiled lazy. “It’s just…well..you went hard last night, Ash.”
I giggled, wiping away the blueberry from my lip.
Effie was trying to look amused.
“Guess I’ve just been stressed lately,”
I thought about all the rehearsals I had coming up,
and the lines I needed to memorize –
and the way Effie never seemed to look at me straight any more,
and now she was hanging out with Elena.
This was the first time we’d spent any real time together since January.
Even now, she seemed distant.
Always on the phone,
always leaving early.
I found myself shrugging like Matt –
easy and comfortably. “A couple of hard nights won’t hurt me,”
I repeated that in my head.
It was fine, I was fine. I was fine.
“Plus we have our joint-late-birthday party tomorrow!”
I nudged Effie. “I can’t quit now,”
The last pancake on the stove was burning.
“Right,” Roman said,
but it was forced.
He frowned.
I touched my sweater and decided to smile,
letting go of whatever remorse I had.
I’d continue down the road I was on -
I was fine, I was fine –
I’d smile and I’d drink and I’d work off stress.
I was just working off stress.
I’d succumb.
“I’m fine,” I laughed. My head felt lighter. “I’m fine.”
“These?”
“No, no – these,”
I pointed to a fresh bouquet of flowers.
They were at the top of the cart,
twinkling and colorful in the sunlight.
It was too high for me to reach.
The man running it nodded in approval. “Oui, good choice,” He had an accent.
Matt grabbed them from the rack and paid.
We waited while the man wrapped them in brown paper.
I took a deep breath. “These will look perfect on the table,”
“You realized they’ll probably get trashed in the process, right?”
I frowned. A petal flew off with the wind.
“At least they’ll be pretty while they last,”
Matt shook his head and handed me the bouquet,
wrapped and tied in a string. “So basically they’re virgin flowers,”
I groaned and pushed him off the sidewalk,
nearly into a man riding his bike. He shot Matt the middle finger
and I laughed until my stomach hurt.
“What else is on your party list?”
Matt asked as he sped-walk back to me.
He peeked over my shoulder at the book in my hands.
“Well you took care of the..special things, right?”
I bit my lip, feeling heat in my cheeks.
Matt grinned. “You mean…the /contraband/?” He whispered.
I laughed. “And Effie’s picking up the booze I ordered – your favorites included,”
“You know just what I like,”
“-Roman’s making a playlist, the cooks are making food,
the maid’s cleaning up our mess from last night-..”
I shot him a glare. He pointed a finger at my chest.
“Don’t even begin to blame me.”
I giggled. “Fine. I think…I think we’re done now, then.”
I put the notebook back in my bag.
Matt was going on about how old I was now,
his hand on my back and laughing
and I was zoning out as we passed an old school movie theatre.
It was months behind and showed only matinees.
The words on the white sign were worn and black,
and the title of the top spelled out, “The Titanic: 3-D”.
A group of girls were paying for their tickets.
“You wanna see a movie?”
“What?” Matt stopped mid-sentence, pausing to look at the theatre. “Like what?”
“Like..the Titanic.”
He frowned.
“I hate that movie.”
“C’mon,” I grabbed his hand and pulled him to the booth.
We bought two tickets and a popcorn,
and sat in newly refurbished velvet seats.
The audience was nearly empty besides us and the girls,
and an older couple dressed in expensive polo clothing.
They held hands in front of us, and the woman bickered
while the man retorted back every few minutes.
As the previews ended, the man chuckled
and he kissed his wife several times –
everywhere on her wrinkled face.
She looked away with a smile.
“Are you okay?” Matt whispered.
His eyes were gentle and worried.
“Are you..crying?”
I shook my head and swallowed a lump in my throat.
“No, no – I just..I’ve already seen the end,” I lied.
I’d never finished the Titanic.
Matt nodded like he believed me.
A few minutes later he raised the armrest between us,
and pulled me into his side, where it was warm
and smelled like home.
But I was thinking of a stage,
and arms that felt like another home
with lines long rehearsed and over said.
A back against a wall; a pair of hands on my waist;
a breath beside his ear.
I don’t know why I missed him.
I missed a lot.
We got out late,
and it was dark and raining.
Matt held the umbrella while
I called a cab.
He fell asleep in the backseat half way home.
I fidgeted, watching the rain on the windows,
and then unlocking and locking my phone;
I grazed through my contacts –
his name was first in Alphabetical order.
I asked him to come tomorrow.
I told him I wanted him there.
There was silence for the rest of the ride,
until I paid the driver and Matt lumbered inside,
both of us dripping because he’d been too
tired to hold the umbrella correctly.
My phone binged when we stepped inside.
“Who’s that?” Matt asked.
It was a simple, /I’ll be there/ -
and yet it made me a little warmer.
“No one,” I told him.
/:-) /
5/3/13;
“Happy birthday to me!”
Effie slung her skinny arm around my neck.
We stepped back to examine our work.
My beach house had become a party hub.
The back doors were open and swayed with the wind,
leading to the beach. Music was blasting from
every corner, and the bar was full of drinks
that Nate was suppose to be taking care of.
Mercedes, a woman with incredible culinary talent,
smiled proudly as she came from the kitchen.
“Have fun tonight girls,” She kissed our cheeks. “Enjoy,”
She left with most of the staff who’d helped organize.
“Look at my contribution,” Effie pointed to a banner hanging over the doorway.
I recognized it from New Year’s.
It said ‘Fu.ck you’ in bold. I giggled.
“Lovely!”
Matt and Roman walked down the stairs,
looking more attractive than I remembered.
“All set,” Roman winked. He kissed my cheek
and grabbed a drink from the bar.
“Lookin’ good girls,”
Effie smirked. She thought Roman was jump-worthy,
but wouldn’t admit it out loud, I knew.
I smiled.
The dress I wore was black and long.
It made me feel good; ready.
Someone knocked on the door.
“I got it,” Effie shot up.
Matt’s grin was wild.
“Fingers crossed we all get laid tonight.”
A few hours later and the house was shaking.
And it was full and I was sipping on something
that Nate made – it was colorful and cold.
Effie was dancing with a group,
and Roman and Matt were both lighting up.
I was circling the room when I saw her in a cloud of smoke.
She was by the bar.
“Cams?”
Her eyes were full. Deep, dripping holes,
staring out at me like stone.
We’d gotten into a fight –
it’d been in public over chardonnay,
full of “You’re such a hyprocrite!”’s
and “How dare you?”’s.
I felt like we – I –
was in remission;
being sucked back into a body
that I didn’t own anymore.
One that broke Alex Rivera’s heart without a blink,
one who paraded around town with an imaginary boy.
Who competed against her best friends.
Although Cam was also being Alex’s fu.cking shadow,
so that kind of pis.sed me off.
‘You’re still wrong’, I told myself,
knowing I was the one who was really at fault.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you,” She said, finally,
breathing out a wave of smoke.
“Seriously, Ash – what /is/ this?”
She gestured to me. “You didn’t even break up with him,
you just…faded away.”
“I know but-”
“And then we find you on the cover of a tabloid holding hands with some Broadway bi.tch,”
She was stern and final.
I looked away.
“I don’t even know this person.”
I felt a pang in my chest
and I knew she was right.
I didn’t know this person.
“I’m sorry,” I muttered.
All it took was to be a few inches away from Cam
and I suddenly realized all my problems –
she was good at that.
“I don’t think I’m the one you should be saying sorry to –
you have a bit of a list,”
Cameron’s gaze flashed to something behind me.
He was wearing a black shirt and pants,
his hair up and face unshaven.
He looked tired. He looked lost.
The great Aidan Riley – lost.
I swallowed hard and turned back,
but she was already floating away –
she was always floating away from me.
He was standing on the other side of the room,
pretending to be interested in some pictures.
“Hey,” I yelled over the music.
My head was spinning.
My heart was…pounding?
Aidan leaned over, closer to my ear so I could hear. “Hey,” He grinned.
“You came.”
"You said you wanted me to."
"I know," I laughed. "I did. I mean, I do."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
He looked surprised, brushing his hair back nervously.
"Why?"
For some reason his question had me dumbfounded.
I blinked, unable to find an answer.
"Why is that so hard for you to believe?"
"Seriously, Ash?"
His eyes were too dark and too much to handle;
I looked away.
"I just -"
Suddenly there was a cold hand on my arm,
and one of the chefs was pulling me away,
muttering something about a boy on the kitchen table.
"I'll be right back," I promised. "Stay right here?"
Aidan sighed, but he nodded.
“Yeah, sure.”
He was throwing up.
Maurice cleaned it up,
and Roman and I moved him
to the outside.
“Watch the bushes, alright?” I frowned.
I was walking back into the kitchen when I heard it.
The ding of cell phones simultaneously;
the gasps and the giggles. My own beeped.
Roman was looking in the empty fridge. “Do we have any more beer?”
“Nate has plenty,” I leaned against the counter.
Roman left to get the pack,
and I opened the blast from Gossip Girl out of curiosity.
My stomach dropped as I read the words,
written in bold and sloppy handwriting.
The last ones stuck like glue;
Everyday.
I held my mouth in my hands.
“Why the he.ll is everyone being weird?”
Roman was standing in the doorway.
I pushed past him,
the words echoing and heavy
and my heart pounding
to the rhythm.
Aidan’s back was to the door. He was walking out.
There were stares and whispers,
but it was her eyes that I met first.
Big, brown, furious –
She blamed me and I knew it.
Her red lips were ready for the attack,
but I reached out for her tiny wrist as desperation poured out.
“Oh Cam, please, don’t, you don’t understand-,”
She blinked, her anger turning into surprise and confusion.
I started to cry. “I know I’ve done bad things,
I know, I know – and I’m so sorry,
but I think I understand, I just – please, understand,”
I didn’t care that everyone was watching.
A small crowd had started making their way towards the back doors.
“Ash?” She broke face,
moving closer.
“What is-..”
“It’s him. I see how fu.cked up I’ve been now,
and it’s Aidan – he makes it go away.”
She shook her head. “No. Stop right there. He’ s not one of your playthings, Ash.”
“I know that!”
I yelled at her,
suddenly burning up and bleeding tears.
“I can’t..I can’t explain to you,
because you won’t listen,”
My voice cracked.
“But he’s…he’s like home to me.”
She wasn’t believing it,
and again the smoke cloud
smothered her pretty face.
So I let go, drawing into myself
and rubbing the place on my wrist as I ran to the doors.
And then Summer was there beside me,
her instinct being to run, too.
I looked at her. She stared back.
But neither of us got to say a word before the yelling started.
Her eyebrows wrinkled,
and together we sprinted to the porch.
They were on the beach – Matt and Aidan –
and Aidan’s fist was landing on Matt’s nose.
“Oh my God!” Summer was yelling,
and I was shouting,
the two of us jumping over steps
and running through sand
to pull them apart.
“What are you doing!”
“Matt, Aidan, stop!”
A crowd of people followed us,
swallowing the empty space in a few seconds.
“Stop!” I screamed.
Aidan’s head snapped up to look at me.
His eyes were dark, face bleeding.
Rush grabbed his arms and Chrissy
ran to help, holding him back.
Matt was being pulled away from Nate.
"Touch her and I'll -"
"You'll what?" Aidan yelled, his gaze now back and burning into Matt.
"I'll give you another black eye, you a.sshole!"
"F.uck you!"
I watched them go separate ways,
and the crowd dissipate, and
the adrenaline drain.
And yet I felt stuck,
frozen to the spot on the beach
where the sand sunk through my heels
and the salt air burned my eyes.
Confused, lost, angry, sad, alone.
I wiped them away.
I waited to knock on the bathroom door,
my hand shaking as it hit against the wood.
I took a breath and opened it anyway,
afraid that if I didn’t I might run.
Chrissy and Aidan were both on the edge of the tub.
“Hey,” I mumbled awkwardly.
Chrissy smiled, unaffected;
she looked as good as always. “Hey,”
Aidan didn’t look up.
“I, um..I brought ice,”
I held out the bowl Maurine had handed me,
the edges dripping in condensation.
Chris was already standing up. “Oh good!
You two should probably...and I'll just...yeah..."
She looked at me gently
as if she was reading my mind.
The door closed with a click, leaving the bathroom quiet.
There he sat, bleeding and red,
and I was weak and silent.
"I don't want your help," He muttered.
He wrapped a towel around his hands
and leaned against his knees.
There was a part of me that wanted to smile. He was so stubborn.
"Well," I took the towel from him,
ignoring the way my heart started pounding.
"Your eye is swelling and you're bleeding,
so you kind of need it." He rolled his eyes as I put in ice,
then pressed it gently across his face. “Hold this,”
I took another clean towel from the cabinet above the sink
and wet it. There was a bead of red on his lower lip.
I wiped it away, gently. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.
I put a hand against his neck to balance.
His dark hair tickled, and skin hot.
I found myself running my fingers over the place there absentmindedly, lost in the work of cleaning his wounds.
He pulled away. “Just stop it, Ash.”
I winced, feeling rejected.
“You stop it.”
“No, you stop it.”
"God, you're such a baby," I groaned. "Just...let me do this. Okay?"
Aidan sighed. “Fine.”
I moved closer, dowsing cotton balls in alcohol
and using them to disinfect the places that would be blue tomorrow morning.
His knees were warm against my bear legs,
making my cheeks pink and hands shake.
We were only a few inches away.
I put a band-aid on a spot below his chin.
He reached out and grabbed my waist for balance –
it was gentle, but I jumped. He didn’t notice.
Every so often he would look up,
and his dark eyes would shock me back into place
like a gun to the chest. I wondered when I got so
vulnerable to them, and how had I not noticed?
I blinked.
How had I not noticed?
There was a moment when they met mine and stayed.
The seconds passed and the cut above his brow started to bleed again.
I used my thumb, smearing the red.
His mouth was there, open, and his fingers in my skin, soft.
I wondered what it’d be like to kiss him.
But I needed to know what I wanted from him first -
he wasn’t everybody else. I had to be careful.
I’d kept Aidan away from the line of fire for so long, even in the midst of peace I was anxious to keep him protected.
So I drew back instead,
hoping to catch my breath.
"I'm no doctor, but I think you'll live." I smiled a little.
He rubbed his jaw. It was bruised.
"Good news, I guess.”
A few beats passed until I was able to collect my thoughts correctly.
"Aidan?"
He looked up, warily. "Yeah?"
The words felt heavy on my tongue –
everything that needed to be breathed;
What I liked so much about him, but never dared to say;
The way his eyes crinkled when he laughed too hard,
his intensity when he was talking about something he loved,
his gentleness and compassion, his humor. His
annoying stubbornness that made me want to punch
that smirk right off his face.
How much I loved his note.
How much I felt for him.
How much I wanted to give us a chance.
I had to start small.
"About the letter...” But he was already shaking his head,
removing my hand from his cheek. He didn’t look at me again.
"No, I don't want to talk about it."
"It was my letter, you wrote it to me."
"You were never supposed to see that."
I winced again, even though I didn’t know why it hurt exactly.
"But, I did,” I murmured. “And I..I think I deserve the chance to talk about it."
Aidan pressed his teeth together.
"Well, I don't want to, Ash."
There it was again. I let out a breath,
feeling the heat rushing to my cheeks.
I bit the inside of my mouth until I tasted blood.
"Did you even mean it?" I asked harshly.
Aidan blinked. "Of course, I - I mean, yeah, but it –” He stammered, pulling his hands from my waist to intertwine them with his hair. The space there was now cold. “Look, it doesn’t matter.”
"It matters to me," I was frozen in place,
stuck in a foreign land where I couldn’t get a footing.
I tried again, breathing deeply.
I just wanted him to know, I had to tell him –
"And I just think that we should talk. I need to tell you..."
My hand was reaching for his face –
He stood up fast and I fell back against the sink,
trapped between his arms.
The back of my dress was open and my skin was cold.
“You can’t keep doing this.” His voice was flat.
I frowned.
“Doing what?”
His broken face was close.
"Making a me look like a f.ucking idiot.”
"What are you -?"
"I think about you all the time," He cut me off, full of rage. "All the time! I want to see you, and you go out of your way to avoid me. I kiss you, and you don't even care,” I felt the water well up in my eyes, thickening my throat as I tried to stop him. But he pushed my hand off his chest, racing. “I write that stupid letter. I get punched in the face by my best friend -"
"Aidan, just -" I tried, but it was cracked
and stuck somewhere low,
as his booming voice ran straight over my words.
"We've gone weeks without talking, Ashley. Weeks!” He came closer, and I flinched. Not out of fear, but actual pain. I needed him to stop, and yet he kept going. “But I still come running whenever you call me. I mean, I do all this shi.t for you and it's just not good enough, is it? You. Don't. Care.”
He laughed bitterly.
“And you're never going to want me like I want you."
I was trembling, fingers gripping the porcelain behind me.
I did care, I did. I wanted him just as much, maybe more,
it’d just taken so long for the smoke to clear to see it.
"I really wish that you would shut up and listen to me-.”
He was already running over my words,
shut down and burning and yelling;
"No, you know what I wish now?"
He leaned closer, black holes staring straight through me. "I wish we could go back to the way things were. When you hated me and I hated you. Because 'this'?” He gestured between us. “I can't do it anymore."
What I’d almost let out suddenly tasted bitter on my tongue,
and there was a terrible aching in my chest –
where everything was empty, and angry and gone.
I took it all back silently. It hurt –
knowing he hated me.
"Is that really what you want?" I asked, treading dangerously loud.
His gaze was made of stone. "Yeah, it is."
I felt my head buzz with humiliation, pain,
it was dizzying. It boiled over and came out in anger.
"You know what?" I pushed his chest hard,
harder than I ever thought I could. He stumbled back.
"Fine! I hate you, Aidan.”
Even as I said them, I knew the words weren’t true.
But I wanted them so badly to be.
He barely reacted to the venom behind it.
“Are you happy now?" I yelled.
"Yeah, I am," He moved closer,
radiating heat onto me. “Because you know what?"
"What?"
"I hate you, too."
It took everything I had not to cry,
to show what was going on behind my mask.
But I copied the face
everyone around here wore.
“Great!” I lied.
A performance long mastered,
a scene so easily changed.
"Yeah, it is great."
He stared at me, eyes bloodshot and fists tightened.
I crossed my arms and glanced away.
"Well, then, we're done here." I muttered, coolly. “You can leave now."
He scoffed and grabbed his jacket,
hand yanking the door open.
"Gladly, Hartman."
He slammed it, and I reached for the glass bowl on the tub.
It was shining so innocently.
I grabbed it and threw it against the other wall.
It broken into a thousand pieces;
ice flying everywhere.
“Fu.ck!” I shouted out,
over and over and over again,
until I was sliding down the wall.
I landed in a pile of tears and glass and melted ice.
The world was so loud around me,
and yet all I could hear was him –
and the words I almost said.
It could’ve gone so differently.
“Why didn’t I say anything?” I cried, slamming my palm down against a piece of the broken bowl.
I didn’t feel it, but somehow it seemed to help in the tiniest way.
I stared at the blood running down of the shallow cut.
No one ever sees the worst things coming.
There were plenty of fists against the door,
but I never answered them.
At least an hour passed –
it felt like forever –
before I finally left.
The party was nearly over.
There were only the essentials around,
floating like stars in the sky.
I looked for Effie, but she wasn’t with everyone else.
The bar was still open, and Nate was leaning behind it.
His cheek was scratched. “Collateral damage,” He told me with a smile.
I asked him to make something that caused black outs.
He laughed. I smirked a little, but that faded quickly.
I watched him pick up bottle after bottle,
then slide it across the counter with a worried expression.
His hand kept it in place when I reached.
“You okay?”
“What do you mean?”
It was easier to play dumb when nothing mattered.
“Look, I know you’ve been through some rough stuff lately-”
I shook off his sympathy, feeling like that was the last thing I deserved.
I’d caused the roughness for everyone else,
there was nothing wrong with my life besides my own head.
So why was I so dissatisfied here?
“I’ll be fine once I finish this off,”
I played a grin that rivaled the Queen of Hearts,
and Nate drew back as expected.
And I finished my several other drinks as expected, too.
I started wandering through rooms here and there –
I was lost and bleeding.
I was on the third floor when I found them talking.
At first I could only hear their voices,
mumbling in their quiet intensity.
And then I turned the knob,
and there they were in a flashback.
His hand was under her chin, both of them on their knees in whispers.
They were consumed by each other –
like they always were –
but the noise made Harry blink up.
“Ashley-
“So this is why my best friend is never around anymore!”
I giggled and hiccupped, full of booze that made talk slip.
Effie turned, her mouth open
and eyes red. She’d been crying.
“What is it? Is something wrong, again?
Are you too perfect to be together?”
I was laughing. She started to cry again.
Harry stood up and started toward me.
I remembered I had a beer in my hand.
Where had that come from?
“It makes sense, ya’know,” I hiccupped again.
“I thought something was really wrong, but –
nah, just handsome over here, pulling curly tricks again,”
I raised the bottle to him with a wink.
“Watch out for her, blondes have their tricks, too!”
He sighed. “Ashley, it’s not what you think-”
“It’s not?” I smiled bitterly. “So it’s not the explanation to why Effie has to leave early from every shopping trip? It’s not why she’s been canceling our plans an hour beforehand? Why she goes days with her phone off?”
I’d steadily gotten louder and even more unsteady.
“She can’t be here for me because you two are too busy fu.cking,”
Harry reached my hand but I ripped it away from him.
“You see Eff? He’s just like his best friend –,” I stared at him. “A cheat who can’t keep his hands to himself.”
“Ash!” Her hands flew to her mouth,
and Harry’s eyes flashed.
I threw my bottle to the ground and walked away,
ignoring her voice shouting my name.
I was turning the corner when he grabbed my wrist.
I fell back with surprising force, landing against the wall harshly.
Harry hand each arm pressed down,
and even as I squirmed I knew I wouldn’t win.
“I get it, Ashley! You’re brokenhearted,
you got hurt, you got something stolen from you –
but ya’don’t have any right to act the way you have been,”
I blinked, looking anywhere but straight at him.
“Can you not see that we’re all going through the same fu.cking shi.t, eh?”
Harry’s voice was soft – a whisper.
He gripped my chin,
forcing me to meet his stare.
His usual brown eyes were black and dripping.
I flinched.
“The fame, the pressure, the pain –,” He swallowed hard.
“I get it. I do. But you have ta’ figure out how ta’ deal with it better.
You can’t be this person – it’ll consume you,”
He never touched me with more force than the wind,
and yet I felt like he’d slapped me straight across the face.
I blinked, terrified of everything –
not understanding anything.
I collapsed into Harry’s shoulder and cried.
After a few minutes of silence,
Harry told me why he was with Effie.
“Her mum’s got Alzheimer’s, Ash,” He murmured.
I pulled away, trembling. “What?”
“Effie’s mum..she’s sick. She didn’t want to tell you because she knew you’d worry, and she wasn’t sure how much you could take under all the bullshi.t lately,”
I wiped my face until it burned.
“How..how’d you know?”
“I had to drag it out,” He half smiled, but it was sad,
and we were crying together. “She needs us. Both of us.”
I stared at the boy with curly hair, seeing her love in his face.
“Okay,” I finally said, swallowing the bad taste in my mouth. “Okay.”
We walked back to the room together,
the hallway longer than I remembered.
I realized I suddenly felt more sober than I had in half a year.
She was sitting on the bed, her skinny shoulder blades
showing beneath the skintight dress she wore.
She was dripping, spilling everywhere.
I wrapped my arms around her, pulling tight when she jumped against the touch.
“Ash?” She mumbled. Her bottom lip trembled.
I nodded, wiping a tear from her cheek.
“Hey sweetie. It’s gonna be alright, okay?”
Her pretty face crumbled,
breaking into my neck as she fell against me.
Harry sat beside her and wrapped
himself around her body.
Together we held a secret,
a girl who’d been overlooked for too long.
Selfishness is a monster.
It preys on human flesh,
devours us whole –
we find ourselves in the smoke of discontent.
It is a vampire in the night.
It sucks it’s victim’s dry,
it kills – it drains.
It takes love. It takes pain.
It takes everything,
but leaves nothing -
just a few bones
and a terrible regret.
We wonder what might’ve been if they’d read our minds,
we wonder what might’ve happened,
if they’d only known the words on our tongues –
and yet we are too selfish to ask them ourselves.
And so we are stuck,
wandering.
- xx, Ash.
FINALLY, ENOUGH OF ANNOYING ASH
I'm so ready for her to be over this phase,
it was fun while it lasted
but now she's just being a bi.tch
I think I have a new ship to sail though...@lalasparkles Aidan is in trouble
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